MY STORY, HIS GRACE
Song: Remember Me
(Verse 1)
A shining star fallen
from the sky
Turn from glitter to
a glimpse
Open bright with your
eyes
See my warmth flows
into dreams
Come closer now
(Chorus)
With a song to you
Listen
To the truth in me
I treasure what you
gave to me
I care for you
(Verse 2)
I called you in a
whispered sigh
Could you promise one
last time
Never chanced birds
fly high
Wait a lifetime for
this try
(Epilogue)
Remember all the joy
with me
Under the sun
Remember all the pain
As piercing darts to
me
Your love in my life
Remember me
Remember me
Yes.
Remember me. That had been my drive for significance. I derived my
significance from my relationships with people around me. However, at the same
time, my deepest wounds came from these very same relationships.
I
am the eldest and was the only female in my generation back then. Perhaps, many of you will
identify with the Chinese culture I was brought up in. Every time my extended
family had a gathering, I would be delegated the job of taking care of my younger
brother and a horde of impish cousins. I often felt like a mother hen; trying
to keep them in line while at the same time wanting to fit in with my cousins.
That was a formidable task. Since I was responsible for them, whatever mischief
they got into, I was blamed and punished for leading them astray. I was just a
child in my elder's eyes and yet I was the tattle-tale big sister who was supposed to watch over the young
ones. I belonged to neither generation.
My brother and I used to be rather
close when we were young. I fondly remember
his numerous questions when we stayed up the whole night talking, such as ‘What
is the universe?’, ‘How big is the universe?’ and ‘Where do babies come
from?’.
Being the intelligent, experienced and mature older sister that I was, I told him what my Mom always told me in
answer to his last question: from the rubbish dump.
However, I was often punished for
bad behaviour of my brother and I was usually made to give in to his whims just
because I was older and a girl. Gradually, I developed a great resentment
against my parents and brother. And how did I take revenge? I bullied him when
my Mom was not looking. I used to gang up with the boy next door to frighten my
brother. Maybe that was why he had frequent nightmares when he was young.
Wasn’t I vicious?
Because
of my status as a girl and the first child, my parents would naturally be
extremely protective of me. I remember the time when my social studies project
group wanted to meet at one of the teammates’ home, which was just next block.
My mom thought that it was too far away from home for me and refused to let me
go. If there were any outings with my classmates or friends, I would be the
only one who was unable to attend because I could not gain my Mom’s permission.
This caused me to feel left out and alienated from my friends. I was angry at
their restrictions, being a very adventurous person by nature. Unable
to go out with my friends as often as expected among my peers, I was sort of
labeled as anti-social. Because my brother, though 3 years younger than I, was allowed to go out and do things I was never allowed to do when I was his
age, I resented their favouritism towards my brother. I thought I was really
treated unfairly.
Since young, due to constant
interaction with my brother, male cousins and childhood buddies, I was very
tomboyish. Though I very much wanted to have intimate female friends, I could
not mix well with them. Each time I could finally bond with a girl of my age,
she would have to leave me by moving to another part of Singapore. Each time, I
grieved inwardly for I knew that I would never see them again, because my
parents would never allow me to visit or go out with them. Thus to begin with,
it was very difficult for me to risk being vulnerable to girls.
To make matters worse, I had a crush
on my childhood buddy. After keeping it to myself for 2 years, I took up the
courage to share it with a female friend I thought I could trust. Before I knew
it, the news was spread throughout my whole class and I became the
laughing-stock of the year. Being young and unable to handle the situation, my
guy friends began to avoid me. I had nowhere to turn to. It was too
embarrassing to share it with my family and I have lost faith and trust in
relationships.
One of my main weaknesses is being tactless and blunt with my
words. Thus, I offended people easily. Because I had offended the popular girls
in my secondary school and they began to spread ugly rumours about me. They said things
like ‘I was out to seduce guys’ because I was much closer to guys than girls
due to my background. Needless to say, those close guy friends I had stayed
away from me so as not to be gossiped about too. I was deeply hurt that most
people believed them but I refused to show the hurt or even try to explain
myself. To escape the world, I feign illness whenever I was depressed so that I
did not have to face the reality of isolation. I developed the reputation of
being aloof, sickly and moody.
The
worst could have happened to me was that I was rejected by people. I tried to
be the class clown to make people laugh and strive for acceptance but it
backfired. I had sarcastic nicknames such as ‘The Entertainer’ and ‘林黛玉’
(A Chinese story’s female lead who was famous for being sickly and pitiful).
Those remarks though spoken casually by my friends, cut deep into my heart and
wounded my spirit mortally. Instead of getting the approval of people, I was
ridiculed. Gradually, I convinced myself that I did not need anybody and I
became a lone-ranger.
To
my closer friends in secondary school, I portrayed myself as the big sister
whom people confide in. To earn their respect, I always set myself up as
invulnerable and I seldom confide in them how much hurt I was going through
because I was afraid to be totally vulnerable to them. The times when I did
share, things seemed more depressing as I realised that such matters had no
solution to them. Gradually, I built an emotional armour to protect myself from
further hurt. I hardened my heart and convinced myself that I didn’t need
anybody, though in the deepest recesses of my heart I was bleeding to death.
Song: I Lied
(Verse 1)
Someone used to tell
me
That I seemed so very
strong
Just because that
I had never cried
when someone hurt my pride
And she asked me
what’s my secret
Well I told her that
I don’t need anyone
(Verse 2)
To the others I
looked like
Someone who is made
of steel
Especially
When they see me hold
my head up high in heavens
Even when they try to
bring me down
I have yet to fall I
still remain standing tall
(Chorus)
I told them I’ll
never falter even when they sneer
I told them that nothing
could bring me down
Even when they jeer
I told them I am a
lone tree
On an island needing
nobody
I lied
Yes I had lied
(Bridge)
There’s a part of me
that yearn for the warmth
I am still a human
who needs someone to love
I
was an avid reader for it was the only way to escape my lonely and sheltered
world. By the time I was in Secondary two, I had gone through most of the books
available in my neighbourhood library, the only place I could go unescorted. I
was extremely attracted to books on the occult and witchcraft as I yearned to
control my life and environment. Repeated failure to find a niche of belonging
for myself drove me further into the world of fantasy. However, the spiritual
realm was no fantasy at all. As I continued to dwell into such practices, I began to
see spirits and had recurring nightmares. I heard voices in my head and it was
not long before I started to converse with those voices. At the same time, I
met a schoolmate who was into such psychic and occult activities too. Together with a few
others, we performed experiments of other-worldly nature. Gradually, I noticed my
behaviour towards my family became more and more rebellious. When I could not
communicate my thoughts and feelings to them, I ended up quarrelling with them,
nursing my bitterness towards them. It came to a point when I could not speak
to them at length without arguing violently.
Everything
my family did seemed unfair and cruel to me. I insisted on my own rights and
opinions and was frustrated when I could not make them see my point. I hated
them so much that at times I woke up in the middle of the night holding a kitchen knife with the desire to plunge it into their sleeping
bodies! But each time, I was stopped by something I could not understand.
My
most cherished dream then was leaving my family and never seeing them again.
But I was too young to survive on my own. I had to wait till I was old enough
to launch the escape plans that germinated in my young mind during many
sleepless nights. I wrote down the revenge I would inflict upon them when I
grow up. I’d torture my parents when they grow old or abandon them when they
need me most. Many a time, I had packed my bags, ready to run away from home but
I backed out the last minute. A small voice told me that I would regret it.
I
was a borderline case in school. I was in one of the SAP school and hated the
competitive environment as it drained all pleasures from my studies. I wanted
to go to a neighbourhood school, but I still wanted to please my parents by
obeying them in their choice of school for me. I was dying to finish my
education so that I could go out to work and live independently.
Secondary
three saw me emotionally, mentally and physically a wreak. The voices in my
head went on incessantly, causing me to have insomnia. I was plagued by fears
and hatred. I was hopelessly estranged from my family and friends, but my
friends never got close enough to realise the extent of my hatred towards my
own kin. To these friends, I appeared confident enough. The truth was that I was
nearing a mental breakdown and was emotionally dying. I was living a lie and
only my family knew the horror that I became.
One day, after seven years of
trying to win back the trust of the boy I had a crush on, I finally had the
courage to ask him out on a date. I was rejected and not long after which he
got himself a girlfriend. That was what pushed me over the edge.
Finding no purpose in life, I lost the will to go on living.
Obsessed with the idea of dying by slitting my wrist, I bought a new penknife
and waited patiently for a suitable opportunity to end my life. The rare chance
came when my family went to visit my grandparents for the weekend. As usual, I
begged illness and stayed at home alone. I prepared a basin of hot water and
sat on the kitchen floor musing my dying thoughts. I asked myself what was the
meaning in life and I could not come up with a satisfactory answer. 'Everything
in life is temporal and the human race is so ugly, selfish and cruel. Is there
hope?'
Just as I was about to plunge my
first cut into my wrist, the phone rang. I was curious at who in the world
would call at a time like this and I went to pick up the phone. It was my choir
mate telling me to meet her at the usual place so that we could head school for practice together. After she put down
the phone, I said to myself, “This will teach you not to take me for
granted. You wish to see me tomorrow? I’ll make sure you won’t!”
I scurried back to my apparatus,
burning with anger and despair. Yet again, someone seemed to call out to me,
beseeching me to wait. It seemed to say, ‘Hang in there. There is still hope
but you have yet to know it.’ I was confused. This was a still quiet voice that
I could not recognise. It was different from those voices that plagued me day
and night. In fact, those telepathic “friends” were encouraging me to end my
pathetic life. ‘They” were in as much despair and disillusionment as I was.
After what seemed like eternity, I
lost even the will to commit suicide. I thought maybe I was not fated to die yet.
I packed up everything and placed my penknife into my pencil case, just so that
I would have it handy.
I thought a lot after that aborted
attempt at suicide. I asked myself why I'd become such as wreak. I began to
desire a peaceful, normal life and I suddenly realised that my involvement in
the psychic group was not going to help me do that. I began shying away from
them. I did not do it graciously though and hurt them in the process. People
began to say that I had betrayed my friends who took me in when no one else
wanted me. I was deeply wounded but I pressed on. No more seemingly talking to
myself during break time, no more responding to the voices that screeched for
my attention in my mind, no more reading those books on the occults.
I tried to change. Truly. I desired
to be a good person so much that I wanted to clean up my act in my studies and
family life. I thought if I don’t respond in kind and remain silent when they
provoked me, there would be peace. After all, it takes two to clap. But being
bad-tempered, I could only keep the silence for no longer than before.
I bought an organiser so that I
could organise me life and plan my study schedule but I ended up not following
through what I started out to do. I could actually forget to look at the book
even if I managed to remember to write down the things I wanted to accomplish.
After numerous failed attempts, the book laid in my drawer collecting dust.
Unceasingly, I tried and tried. I
tried being less hypocritical towards my friends, I tried being more feminine,
and I tried doing good. I still thought that I could change myself just by sheer will power alone. I thought I could do it. Finally, I had to admit that I
needed help. At that time, my father was very enthusiastic about his religion.
As I respected my father’s rational mind, I went to his religious meetings.
However, the whole ritual left me
cold and fearful. Instead of finding peace, I became more susceptible to the
voices in my head and there was an increase in the frequency of my nightmares.
I sincerely tried all that they suggested but it only grew worse.
In the end, I refused to go back to
the religion, widening the gap between my father and myself.
In my Junior College, things were
not much better. I only wanted to have some fun for the first three months
before going to polytechnic but I met a bunch of friends that truly accepted me
for who I was. The closest to me was a Christian, which was ironic because I
usually had a very bad impression of Christians and would disassociate myself
from them. To me, Christianity was the most misled religion in the world. I
thought it was crazy and humiliating to humble oneself to be a servant to a
“god”. I felt these people were fools to give so much and obey such strict
rules for a man-made illusion. The Junior College was a mission school and I
was very insolent and disrespectful during chapel, obviously hurting my close
friend. I could not care less.
The short but blissful three months
went by and during the second intake, these friends all went elsewhere and I
was left alone again. Since those months were my happiest moments in life, I
chose to stay to retain whatever pleasant memories I had.
The days were hard to get by since
I could not click with my new classmates. I was once again the lone-ranger. My
grades were so bad that I had to bring my parents to see the principal. I ran
the risk of being retained. The situation at the home front was unchanged.
Every time I fail, I would regret the time when I hesitated to end my life with
that fateful slash of the knife. I lived a day at a time, without meaning,
purpose or joy. Just like a living corpse. Even my passion for singing,
writing, composing songs and acting could not fill the great vacuum in my
heart.
I felt so miserable that I began to
blame others for my plight. I blamed my family, my friends and most of all fate
and God for allowing such ugliness and pain in my life. I challenged God to
prove that He existed and many nights, I vented my frustration on the silence
of the unseen and seemingly apathetic God. It was just so convenient to push
the blame on the impersonal fate. I never truly expected any reply.
Song:
Can there be someone?
(Verse
1)
I
see them going around in groups
Surrounded
by such life
I
can see their blissful happiness
But
the joy no matter how
Can
never touch me
I
never knew it
Just
out of reach
(Pre-chorus
1)
The
world feels cold to me
I do
not hold the key
Nothing
belongs to me
Nor
am I ever free
No
longer have the strength to
Keep
melancholy at bay
It
does not to pray
(Pre-chorus
2)
Invisible
to them
Though
I am also a friend
Heedless
my soul they bent
Will
they ever relent?
O
God is it really too much to ask for a kind soul
To
keep away the cold
(Chorus)
Can
there be someone
Or
do I hope in vain
Can
there be someone
To
keep the pain away
O is
it true
Or
I’m a fool
To
wish for someone
Who
cares for me?
In my second year of my JC life, I was placed in the
same group as a classmate of mine. She was a quiet and unassuming girl who
never caught my attention. Strangely enough, despite our differences in personality,
she began to care for me as a friend although I was considered an outcast in my
class. I was intrigued by her actions and tried to “read” her with what I
learnt from my involvement with the psychic world. However, I could not fathom
her at all. I began to be truly touched by her love and care for me though I
could not understand her. I could only understand the language of love.
Gradually, I confided in her and I could tell that she was concerned
about my past.
I discovered that she was a Christian
when she told me that God had told her to show me His unconditional love even
though she did not like me in the beginning. She tried to share her faith with
me but as usual, I mocked her faith, the way I did to other acquaintances and
friends who tried to do the same. I was rather angry and insulted her for
thinking that I actually needed a God to forgive me when I believed that I could
always earn my salvation through my good deeds outweighing the bad. Yet,
something she said to me lingered in my mind. I felt that something was
beginning to happen to me. Something familiar, warm and yet so foreign to me.
Something that I could not grasp comprehensively with my mind…
Song:
Haunting Dream
(Verse)
Chasing
fabricated illusions
Just
to survive
Silence
never broken until you
Shatter the lies
(Pre-chorus)
One
day I walked down the streets
Of a
place where I swore that in the past
I
have seen
You
see me trying to capture the feeling
Until
suddenly I thought I hear it
(Chorus)
Calling
me, calling me
Turning
around and there is nothing there
But
a facet of dream
Still
it’s calling me, calling me
Turning
around and it is not there anymore
But the wind…
…Fading
away
What happened next, I could never fully explain. It
was as if God started to peel off all my pretence, self-deception and calluses
that I developed to protect myself from further hurt. All my self-anointed
moral values and belief systems about the world and myself just crumbled to
nothingness. I saw myself for the first time the rebellious and sinful child
that I was. I realised how insignificant I was and truly saw the fiasco that my
attempts in life were. It was then I realised that God has indeed been working
silently in my life all along. He was the soft, gentle voice that called me every
time I ventured too near to the point of no return. He was the One who brought
to me Christian friends who showed me His unconditional love. In the face of
such love, I broke down and wept.
Yet, I had so many unanswered
questions in my mind such as the reliability of the bible as God’s Word and the
reason why there is still so much suffering in the world if God is so good. My
rational mind just could not contend with all those doubts.
Even so, I was at the end of myself
and I knew that I had tried everything else to live a fulfilled life but had
failed miserably. I yearned for the unconditional love and forgiveness that had been promised. I yearned for the acceptance, the significance, meaning and
purpose in life that I never had. Thus, it was by faith and faith alone that I
told my friend two weeks later that I wanted to receive Jesus into my life.
Song:
Faith
(Verse
1)
Would
You see me as worthy
Of
the love You have given to me?
Would
You see me as holy
And
not someone who has sinned helplessly?
Can You see me when I am lonely?
Can You see me when I am down?
I
long to see Your face
Then
I’ll know that I’m always Yours
(Verse
2)
Would
You lead me far away
From
temptations we meet everyday?
Would
You tell me not to stray
From
the path before You lay?
Can You find me when I am hopelessly lost?
Can You forgive me when I am found?
I
want to feel Your presence
So
I’ll know that You’re my Source
(Epilogue)
Now
I know I don’t have to question
You’ll
be there for eternity
When I prayed the sinner’s prayer, there were no
discernible changes that I could feel in myself but I had the mentality that I
would try this out for some time and I could always back out if all those
proved to be my imagination.
Amazingly, my life began to change
and turn around. I could no longer hear voices in my mind for the blood of Jesus
covered me and I ceased to have recurring nightmares. Slowly but surely, I began
to develop a spirit of excellence in my work attitude through the fact that I
wanted to please God by doing the best I could. He gave me a genuine love for
my family that I never had and by the power of the Holy Spirit that was given me, I
began to change miraculously, something I could not do with my own strength. My
parents disapproved of my conversion especially at the beginning but they were
the very ones who could really see how much I'd changed since I received
Christ. At the end of the year, I had results that ensured me a place in
University. Praise God! Never at any moment had I regretted my decision to
trust God with my life. As I grew in Christ and spend time with Him, I began to
clear all my doubts about Him.
I am indeed leading the full and abundant life
that God has intended for us to enjoy. Though the negative circumstances in
life are still there, by God’s grace and strength, I can weather through the
refining fire and come out stronger in my faith in God. God has never
short-changed me when I gave my life to Him and trusted in His son Jesus
Christ’s work and sacrifice for our sins. He can do the same for you too!
I do not know how your life has
really been for you or how God is working in your life because He has created
each of us unique and special. Neither do I know the doubts or issues that you
are struggling with. What prevented me from knowing God was pride. Pride in my
own ability to control my life and my surroundings. Pride in my intellect and
rational mind that say I know everything that I need to know. My pride proclaims to the world that I do not need anybody let alone God. Who is this God anyway? I thought that
only weak people needed a religion which, ironically speaking, turns out to be true, for only those who
can finally admit that they are not in control can know and experience the One
who is really in control: God.
I beseech you to consider the
questions you have about God and ask someone to clarify these doubts. God says in
Jeremiah 29:13 “You will see and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Thank you for reading this and may God bless you!
Song:
Children of God
(Verse
1)
Some
people disbelieve that Jesus resurrected then
They
think that all these are just lies
But
He did
Our
Father’s good and gracious
He
gave His only Son
For
us all sinners once
The
children of God
(Verse
2)
Sometimes
we may turn away from God and what He means
We
think He no longer loves us
But
He does
Our
Father never leaves us
He’s
always by our side
He
loves the world so much
The
children of God
(Verse
3)
We
praise and glorify His name we know His words are true
He
provides for the needs we have
Yes
He does
We
place our lives before Him
As
servants to our Lord
(Epilogue)
Jesus
died on the cross
Or
we would have been lost
Thankful
that we’re
Children
of God
