"Oh no...," I muttered under my breath.
I just knew that this will eventually happen. As I looked up from talking to Joash, I saw the couple whom I had been trying to avoid ever since I starting visiting this church. Every time I bumped into them in church, I'd been afraid to approach them out of sensitivity towards the wife. But this time, I had no where to hide.
Long was our history born out of unfortunate timing, unspeakable circumstances and grave misunderstanding due to tragic romantic entanglement. Even though what I really wanted to do was to go to them and catch up with dear old friends, I forced myself to give them a wide berth and make myself scarce. "Oh Lord, how I wish my husband were here with me..."
"God, I can't take this anymore. I've been spiritually dying and I really can't give out of an empty heart!" The cruel weight of depression threatened to bring me down into a dark abyss.
For more than a year, I tried extremely hard to fit into my husband's church. It was so tough to even have simple fellowship because I was the only one belonging to this particular station in life: that of a young homemaker with a baby. It took so much out of me to even participate in church activities. Even as I strove to serve in the worship ministry, I was constantly missing my own previous church which I had been attending since I accepted Christ. Oh! The familiar friends and thriving ministry I left behind...
"My daughter, you know that your place is with your husband," God reminded me.
"Yes, I know. Then, why is it so hard for me to even hear an entire sermon and worship in fullness? I keep having to go out of the sanctuary to care for Joash and miss out on the service? The baby room is so cut off from everything else and I'm always alone..."
"You know, dear child, it is possible to care for your baby and participate in service at the same time." His gentle voice assured me.
"Really? How? I can't possibly ask the whole church to spend money and invest so much effort just for me," I spluttered in embarrassment. After what seemed like an eternity, God answered.
"Not in your husband's church, my beloved," God's fatherly smile gave me hope. "In that church. I've sent you many friends to invite you over before. The infrastructure is already in place there."
I nearly choked. "That church!?! But there are people in that church who would prefer not to see me again. And why there? There is another church just down the street. Isn't it more convenient to go there instead? What's more, Joshua isn't going to go over despite liking that church very much cos he is very loyal and obligated to his own church."
"You go ahead of him to prepare the way... It is a good place for your family to be built up spiritually. You will be greatly challenged there and you'll grow tremendously."
"But didn't you say that my place is with my husband? I'm scared to go there alone..."
"Would it help that your best friend is there now?" There was a twinkle in God's eyes.
"She is? Are you sure? What's she doing there? That church is so far from her home!" I could not hide the incredulous crescendo in my voice.
"Also, do you remember how your husband reacted the two times when I wanted him to change job? He needs time and a great impetus before deciding to come out his comfort zone. You have to be the trigger for him to consider beyond the status quo."
Running out of arguments, I started grasping at straws. "I really don't know, God... What would people in my husband's church think? I've never changed church purely because I could not fit in," I pouted, remembering those times when I faced seemingly insurmountable challenges in my old church and still chose to remain there.
"It is for the sake of your family. Do you care more about what others think or what I tell you is the right thing to do?"
I didn't say anything because I already knew the answer.
God was right. I can now listen to the entire sermon and be challenged in my walk with Him when I come to this new church. As I see Joash crawling around excitedly making new friends in the baby room, I feel extremely comforted. God has even granted me a new friend here quickly, a fellow stay-at-home mum living very near me. Furthermore, a family in Christ has also been graciously picking me up for church in my husband's stead.
Yet, without my husband, it is just impossible for me to participate fully in the ministry of this new church due to divided loyalties.
"God, why are you still not asking Joshua to come over with me to the new church? It's been so many months... I feel so uncomfortable with this arrangement."
God smiles enigmatically. "My timing is perfect and in all things I work for the good of those who love me."
"I know that... but Joshua and I had argued many times about this issue and there was even one time, I unintentionally screamed at baby Joash in my anger when he cried while we were arguing!" Tears stream down my cheeks uncontrollably as I remember the shocked, frightened look on my dear son's face. I have never raised my voice at him since he was born no matter how frustrated he made me with his fussiness, refusal to sleep and incessantly crying. What's more, the first time I shouted at him during the quarrel, it wasn't even his fault! I struggle valiantly to quieten my quivering sobs as I look into God's merciful face.
"My daughter, this is a crucible experience to surface the impurities you still have in your heart so that I can burn them away for you. Moreover, now that you know you still have a long way to go in being molded into my image, you can continue walking with me in humility."
"But Lord," I plead. "When will this struggle end? How long do I have to wait till Joshua hears from you whether to stay or to go?"
"Do remember that no matter what he decides ultimately, it is still your place to submit to him, the head of the household, and go wherever he chooses. He is the one who will face the judgement seat in the end to account for the decisions he has made with regard to his family."
I nod my head. "I know you answer prayers with 'Yes', 'No' or 'Wait'. I guess this is 'Wait' then..."
God simply gives me a gentle pat on the shoulder.
I just knew that this will eventually happen. As I looked up from talking to Joash, I saw the couple whom I had been trying to avoid ever since I starting visiting this church. Every time I bumped into them in church, I'd been afraid to approach them out of sensitivity towards the wife. But this time, I had no where to hide.
Long was our history born out of unfortunate timing, unspeakable circumstances and grave misunderstanding due to tragic romantic entanglement. Even though what I really wanted to do was to go to them and catch up with dear old friends, I forced myself to give them a wide berth and make myself scarce. "Oh Lord, how I wish my husband were here with me..."
Few months ago.
"God, I can't take this anymore. I've been spiritually dying and I really can't give out of an empty heart!" The cruel weight of depression threatened to bring me down into a dark abyss.
For more than a year, I tried extremely hard to fit into my husband's church. It was so tough to even have simple fellowship because I was the only one belonging to this particular station in life: that of a young homemaker with a baby. It took so much out of me to even participate in church activities. Even as I strove to serve in the worship ministry, I was constantly missing my own previous church which I had been attending since I accepted Christ. Oh! The familiar friends and thriving ministry I left behind...
"My daughter, you know that your place is with your husband," God reminded me.
"Yes, I know. Then, why is it so hard for me to even hear an entire sermon and worship in fullness? I keep having to go out of the sanctuary to care for Joash and miss out on the service? The baby room is so cut off from everything else and I'm always alone..."
"You know, dear child, it is possible to care for your baby and participate in service at the same time." His gentle voice assured me.
"Really? How? I can't possibly ask the whole church to spend money and invest so much effort just for me," I spluttered in embarrassment. After what seemed like an eternity, God answered.
"Not in your husband's church, my beloved," God's fatherly smile gave me hope. "In that church. I've sent you many friends to invite you over before. The infrastructure is already in place there."
I nearly choked. "That church!?! But there are people in that church who would prefer not to see me again. And why there? There is another church just down the street. Isn't it more convenient to go there instead? What's more, Joshua isn't going to go over despite liking that church very much cos he is very loyal and obligated to his own church."
"You go ahead of him to prepare the way... It is a good place for your family to be built up spiritually. You will be greatly challenged there and you'll grow tremendously."
"But didn't you say that my place is with my husband? I'm scared to go there alone..."
"Would it help that your best friend is there now?" There was a twinkle in God's eyes.
"She is? Are you sure? What's she doing there? That church is so far from her home!" I could not hide the incredulous crescendo in my voice.
"Also, do you remember how your husband reacted the two times when I wanted him to change job? He needs time and a great impetus before deciding to come out his comfort zone. You have to be the trigger for him to consider beyond the status quo."
Running out of arguments, I started grasping at straws. "I really don't know, God... What would people in my husband's church think? I've never changed church purely because I could not fit in," I pouted, remembering those times when I faced seemingly insurmountable challenges in my old church and still chose to remain there.
"It is for the sake of your family. Do you care more about what others think or what I tell you is the right thing to do?"
I didn't say anything because I already knew the answer.
Months later
God was right. I can now listen to the entire sermon and be challenged in my walk with Him when I come to this new church. As I see Joash crawling around excitedly making new friends in the baby room, I feel extremely comforted. God has even granted me a new friend here quickly, a fellow stay-at-home mum living very near me. Furthermore, a family in Christ has also been graciously picking me up for church in my husband's stead.
Yet, without my husband, it is just impossible for me to participate fully in the ministry of this new church due to divided loyalties.
"God, why are you still not asking Joshua to come over with me to the new church? It's been so many months... I feel so uncomfortable with this arrangement."
God smiles enigmatically. "My timing is perfect and in all things I work for the good of those who love me."
"I know that... but Joshua and I had argued many times about this issue and there was even one time, I unintentionally screamed at baby Joash in my anger when he cried while we were arguing!" Tears stream down my cheeks uncontrollably as I remember the shocked, frightened look on my dear son's face. I have never raised my voice at him since he was born no matter how frustrated he made me with his fussiness, refusal to sleep and incessantly crying. What's more, the first time I shouted at him during the quarrel, it wasn't even his fault! I struggle valiantly to quieten my quivering sobs as I look into God's merciful face.
"My daughter, this is a crucible experience to surface the impurities you still have in your heart so that I can burn them away for you. Moreover, now that you know you still have a long way to go in being molded into my image, you can continue walking with me in humility."
"But Lord," I plead. "When will this struggle end? How long do I have to wait till Joshua hears from you whether to stay or to go?"
"Do remember that no matter what he decides ultimately, it is still your place to submit to him, the head of the household, and go wherever he chooses. He is the one who will face the judgement seat in the end to account for the decisions he has made with regard to his family."
I nod my head. "I know you answer prayers with 'Yes', 'No' or 'Wait'. I guess this is 'Wait' then..."
God simply gives me a gentle pat on the shoulder.
2 comments:
hihi, not sure if you'll remember me but from the Nov07mums forum. Juz wanna say that i really am encouraged by your sharings, even in your struggles with God, which reminds me often that i really need to keep learning to listen to God. (i'm not too good at it).
abt baby & church service...i totally empathize, it not easy and i find myself being quite distracted with her, tho we both take turns if my bb gets cranky during the service.
May God bless your family!
Thanks for your encouragement! May God bless you too in your walk with Him!
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