The valley of darkness

That's exactly what I'm experiencing: The valley of darkness. Seldom in my Christian walk have I suffered so much.

Since I have constant nausea and discomfort, sleep is elusive. Every day is a battle to get through without fainting or simply crumbling from the suffering. Every night is yet another battle to get to sleep despite my ailments. Many a night, I lay awake, tormented by the urge to vomit or a raging headache while my husband snore away, blissfully unaware of my struggles. That's when suicidal thoughts assail my fragile mind and tears besiege my eyes. I cry out to Him every so often.

Sitting still is another torture too. I can't rest. The discomfort gets to me even more when I'm immobile. I even had to pace the back of the auditorium during service in order to finish listening to the sermon.

But then again, how can God's grace shine through clearly unless we're weak and dwelling in the valley of darkness?

Psalm 23:4
"Even though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil, for you are with me; your rod and your staff, they comfort me."

It's amazing how God provides timely help from Christians friends even from those who live far away. Even those whom I do not know personally but have heard of my predicament in caring for Joash alone in my state of suffering. How to explain this warm help from the family of God unless it is by the provision of my Lord almighty? How to explain why I'm still alive and the baby is well despite my pre-natal depression?

I still can't see the light of at the end of the tunnel but I only know one thing: God is with me.