As my 33rd birthday approach, I get all pensive.
As a child, I had struggled with significance... A LOT. To cut a terribly long story short, I was so lonely that I was suicidal. (For more info, click HERE for my full testimony.) It's simply mind-boggling for me to realise how different from my youth my attitude in life is now. In the past, being alone was so insufferably hard to bear. But now, I don't even fully register how truly alone I am most of the time. I'm literally living my life to the audience of One: God.
I barely have that few people I still keep in contact with from my single days. In this time and age, who seriously has a meager 100 "friends" on Facebook??? (Okay, I admit that I have a strict criteria regarding who I add as friends. :P) Out of which, only a handful actually do communicate with me on Facebook. And even though I have a blog, it's more of a personal journal as hardly anyone reads it, unlike the blogs of far more popular and accomplished acquaintances whom I know. (Not that I took any real effort to publicize it.) I don't see my worship teammates outside ministry time and my cell group meets infrequently. Despite having deeper connections with the ladies in my CG, we have precious little face-time, or voice-time for that matter, with one another. I don't even see my extended family much at all. As a home-maker, the only adult I see and regularly speak to is my husband.
Still, I don't feel the harsh, cold bite of loneliness and I wonder why. Is it that I know the mission God has for my life and I'm right smack in the middle of His will? Am I too busy and exhausted trying to fulfill my role as a godly wife and mother that I hardly have time to reflect? Or am I simply dulled emotionally to the pain of loneliness after almost 5 years of being a SAHM?
It took me a few moments to calculate how old I'm turning this year. Is 33 years old considered mid-life? I sure hope that God is pleased with the works of my hands and the meditations of my heart... *wistful*
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