Countdown to Joash's 6th Birthday

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Countdown to Jayna's 5th Birthday

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Countdown to Jaide's Birthday

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Countdown to Joram's Birthday

Lilypie - Personal pictureLilypie Kids Birthday tickers

Friday, September 19, 2014

A Letter to my Grown-up Children

Dear beloved children,

I am not sure if I will live long enough to develop dementia or fall victim to any number of debilitating diseases and require constant caregiving but I would like to let you know beforehand how I truly feel. 

First of all, if it is within my ability, I would not want to place a burden upon you be it in terms of time, effort or money. I desire to release you to pursue your God-given destiny and ultimately complete wholeheartedly the work that God has prepared for you. So if I do become an invalid, please forgive me and understand that it is not my wish to ask you to take care of me if I can help it.

If I grow increasingly long-winded and keep asking you the same question over and over again because I can't remember very well, please pardon me. Hear me out and give me the same answer each time. Just like how I used to answer your questions for the millionth time, teach you the same thing more than I care to count and remind you of the your own things day in, day out. 

If I make a mess with my food or my bowel movements, please remember all the cleaning I did for you during the formative years of your lives. Just as you didn't mean to give me more work, so it is for me. 

If I become unreasonable and throw tantrums, or hurt you emotionally and physically despite you simply wanting to help me, please bear with me for I know not what I'm doing. Just like the many times I endured abuse from you when you had major meltdowns concerning things which did not make any sense, try your best not to hold it against me. You may restrain me or manhandle me for I know deep down inside, you only want to help me and have my best interests at heart. 

If I ever complain to you that I am lonely and wish you have more time for me, I can only say I am very sorry for putting you on a guilt trip unfairly. I am sure you are busy fulfilling your responsibilities and don't mean to neglect me. Just as in your younger days, I really wished I had more energy and time to spend playing with you but I was really too busy fulfilling my responsibilities. There were always chores to do, meals to cook, bellies to fill, noses/mouth/bottoms to wipe, medicine to feed, skin to moisturise, wounds to tend to, bodies to wash, lessons/life skill to teach, discipline to enforce... basically needs to be met. If I could help it, I would have loved to hug and cuddle you all day long.

And if you yell at me or lose your patience with me because I am simply so frustrating to take care of, I totally understand and would like you to know that I forgive you in advance. I know what it feels like to do your best and it seems like your best is never enough. I get how infuriating it can be when your love and concern is not reciprocated and you are constantly taken for granted. 

I know how difficult it is to sacrifice your sleep and the right to eat, drink and even go to the toilet in order to meet my needs and protect me from harm. Thus, I will not ask that of you. I will not expect you to sacrifice for me the way I sacrificed for you. Please take care of yourself first. 

When I become too great a financial, emotional or physical burden, I give you the permission to leave me be. I will not blame you for abandoning me. Let someone else take care of me if that is the only way to keep your sanity. Let me die naturally and please do not feel guilty for I would have already lived a full life and given my all to the work that had been given to me. I will be going to a better place. 

I apologise for the many ways I have failed you and that I was not as good a mother as I wish I was. I'm sorry for giving you unpleasant memories or any childhood trauma. I regret the wrong decisions I made regarding you and the bad examples I set for you. If nothing else, I at least hope that I have shown you how much we need God in our lives and demonstrated to you the mercy and grace that the Lord grants us each day despite our mistakes. 

All I ask is for you to love God with all your heart and be faithful in doing His work. Then, I will rest assured that I will get to see you again in heaven when the time comes for all of us to leave this weary world.

Your Mom

No comments: