Bone-weariness

Jayna letting me lie on her shoulder to rest

After running a mostly one-woman show on the home front for more than 7 years and going through the rigours of 4 torturous pregnancies, I am tired beyond belief.

Despite great care in maintaining my health, my energy level is a far cry from yesteryears. In the past, I hardly felt the need to take a nap during the day while driving the daily routine. However, this year, I find myself waning towards the 4pm mark and have begun asking the children to play by themselves while I crash on my bed for an hour or so before I can muster enough strength to serve dinner. I grieve over this development as this used to be my golden hour when I could finally be done with all the chores, cooking and caregiving for the day and spend this precious time connecting and playing with, doing meaningful things for and reading to my kids. 

It broke my heart to see the disappointed look on my son's face when I said I could only play catch with him for 5 minutes because I was falling asleep on my feet. A twinge of sadness clouded my thoughts when my daughter pouted after I said I will nap after drawing just one picture for her. Guilt stabbed me whenever I felt annoyed that my little girl would throw a tantrum when I refused to read more than two books for her and I felt angry at myself for having no choice but to close the door on my young toddler who desires to spend more time rough-housing with me. 

I used to be able to recuperate from taking the four kids out by myself with only a good night's rest. Now, it takes me a few days to recover from the strain. I'm getting old and my body is weary. I wish I could do more for the children but I am so limited by my maxed out capacity. I have been trying to find time to tutor my son in his Chinese but I simply couldn't squeeze any out. I want to spend one-to-one time chatting with my children to get to know them and impart wisdom to them. Yet, I can only do so as and when the opportunity presents itself since there is no way to plan that in, given the current situation. 

Still, there is a flip-side of the coin. The children are learning lessons in love and compassion for their mother. They started offering, on their own accord, to do more chores when they see me struggling desperately to finish a task by a certain time. There were sweet moments of comfort with gentle verbal encouragement, an impromptu hug or a pat on my back from my young children when they spot me pausing in my work to catch my breath. The older ones even took it upon themselves to make sure that the younger ones tow the line so as not to make things even more difficult for me. 

That gives me hope. Hope that my whole-hearted devotion to the upbringing of my dear children is not in vain. That despite my inability to do everything they want me to do for them, they understand my heart. I can only, by faith, pray that God will fill in my enormous gaps. I can only do my best... and leave God the rest.