Heartbroken

I had been ill for quite a while and I have started cooking less because my eldest protests vehemently that he doesn't like my cooking anymore. Thus, when I do cook, I would only cook the dishes he likes: fried rice and curry rice.

Today, I could feel depression coming back to haunt me, threatening once again to engulf me and confine me to bed with no motivation to do anything. But as an act of the will and with the empowerment of the Lord, I managed to pull myself out of the state of inertia and started cooking, hoping that the happy faces of my children eating food they enjoy would cheer me up. Every movement was laboured but I pressed on.

As I worked in the kitchen, I was careful to make the curry thick and not add any ingredients into it, just the way my son likes it. I remembered my daughter loving noodles more than rice and proceeded to make a portion of spaghetti to go with the curry. I cut up the seaweed into strips so that my kids will enjoy their favourite garnish for dinner. 

I was almost done when my older two came back from school. They chatted excitedly, smelling the fragrant aroma wafting through the house. My eldest peered over my shoulder and asked eagerly, "Are you cooking fried rice?" But before I could answer, I could see the disappointment descending on his face as he saw for himself what was in the pot. 

"But I don't like golden curry anymore!" he yelled and stormed into his room in angry tears.

I was sure I could hear my heart literally shatter at his reaction. All my hard work and loving thoughts put in were negated with one ungrateful sentence. Is this how God feels whenever we reject Him and His sacrifice? I slumped onto the floor in a defeated pile. 

My son apologised to me eventually and I forgave him just as Christ has forgiven all my sins. This experience drives home to me the need to remain contrite and grateful for all that Jesus has done and not let depression get the better of me. God's heart breaks too when I despise the life that He had purchased for me with His own blood and start to entertain suicidal thoughts. 

The tendrils of negative thoughts released their hold on me and my heart is once again filled with worship for my loving God. Praise the Lord!