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Thursday, October 19, 2017

My Last Will and Testament

When I was 15 years old, I attempted suicide. I found the world so ugly, evil and meaningless and that I am completely insignificant. I wish I never existed. But God brought me back, whispering to me that there's more to life. When I gave myself to Jesus at 18, I decided that if God had created me and kept me alive, He must have had a reason for it, even though I still can't see it.

Everyday, when I wake up, I am disappointed that I am still alive and I ask God why. Every night, I pray that God would give my life to someone else who wishes to live and that I'll not wake up again. The only reason why I have not killed myself is purely because God doesn't want me to. Everything I do is to please God and be a good testimony for Him. But very often, I fail miserably and I will ask God what is the use of keeping me around.

I never wanted children. Why bring more people into this cruel world just to suffer? I didn't even want to get married because I saw my mother's agony from the irresponsible and deplorable actions of my father. However, God gave me a vision a few months after I accepted Him into my life: a vision of four children who will become God's precious missionaries. Because of that, I chose a husband who would, first and foremost, be a good and involved father for the children rather than merely focusing on my own preferences. 

I've never done anything significant in my life. It already takes all my effort to simply not offend anyone unintentionally or make mistakes which harm anyone else. Even that, I can't do well. I try my best but my best is never enough. But still, I press on. Because of Christ. 

I have no physical legacies. After being a homemaker for so long, I hardly have any assets worth mentioning. Neither am I well-known for any of my abilities. I am a jack of all trades but master of none. All I can hope is that at least I'll have spiritual legacies: my four children who God promised will do great things in their lives.

Joash, God made you creative and sensible. If you learn how to be responsible with the talents which He has given you, you will find new ways for others to encounter God.

Jayna, God made you with great capacity for love. Your physical ailments are to help you to experience God's grace and empathise with the suffering of others. If you overcome your limitations, you can be a powerful agent of charity.

Jaide, God made you a leader with a strong will. If you direct your passion toward good instead of evil, you can literally change the world.

Joram, God made you the most tenderhearted. If you resist following the wrong crowd, you can show others what it truly means to be obedient to God and glorify Him. 

Joshua, if I become incapacitated, please just let me go. I do not want to be artificially kept alive or resuscitated. I know that things will be hard if I were to leave before you do, but you can definitely find someone else better than me to help continue your life and work. Do donate every feasible part of my corpse. Since I have not done anything spectacular in life, I want to at least give others who want to live a fighting chance. 

To my non-believing friends and family, you must be sick of me telling you about Jesus, but still, I pray daily for you to know the Saviour of the world. That is my only wish for you: to see you in heaven with me.

To my fellow believers, please do not be sad if I die suddenly. Rejoice, instead! My work on earth is finally done. God is granting my dearest wish to be with Him in heaven, a place where I will no longer need to struggle with sin. I will not be hurt and nor will I hurt anyone else anymore. 

Indeed, for me, to die is great gain, to live is purely Christ. 

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