Mini push-ups

He is getting really good at this!!! I'm so proud of Joash... *grin*

Arranged Marriage???

We have a pair of fellow married-couple friends who have a baby girl just 11 days younger than our son. As it is, we were all from NUS campus ministry, are now living in the same area and are even in the same church partnership! One of my church-mate actually tried to match-make our son and their daughter during the Christmas fellowship... ha ha ha... Aiyah, this kind of thing... it's up to God and them. Who are we to play the match-maker?

Joash's Full Month Celebration

We have finally received the photos of Joash's full month celebration which was on the 8th of December! We thank God for those of you who chose to grace the occasion with your presence. Here are some of the photos.

My brother... heh heh

My sister-in-law... Thank you for helping us out all the time!

My Mum and my Aunt (They are twins, you know?)

My beloved extended family

The GBS gang... Thank you for your presence and generous presents!

Me singing 耶和华祝福满满 while nursing Joash!

Here's the lyrics for the song:

田中的白鹭鸶无欠缺什么，
山顶的百合花春天现香味，
总是全能的上帝每日赏赐真福气，
使地上发芽节食显出爱疼的根据。

耶和华祝福满满，
亲像海边土沙，
恩典慈爱直到万世代，
我要举手敬拜他。
出欢喜的歌声，
赞美称颂他名永不息。

(The English translation)

Those white birds in the fields have no lack indeed
White lilies in the hills gives off fragrance in spring
Such a blessing for the almighty God to provide daily
Causing the ground to bear fruit shows the basis of His love

Jehovah’s blessings overflow
Just like sand by the sea
His great mercy and love for eternity
I will lift my voice in praise
Burst forth with a joyful song
I will worship my God forever more

Getting the Toy

Watching Joash try really long and hard to get the toy reminds me of the value of not giving up achieving worthy goals. (He took 8 min to accomplish what you see in the video. I edited out most of it or else you'll be bored before you finish the clip!) Through it all, even if we do not ultimately get what we want, we are strengthened in the process, just as Joash's arm muscles were exercised and made stronger though he did not grasp the toy in his hands in the end. It prepares us for even greater things in the future. This reminds me of these portions of scripture:

Galatians 6:9
Let us not become weary in doing good, for at the proper time we will reap a harvest if we do not give up.

Hebrews 10:25
Let us not give up meeting together, as some are in the habit of doing, but let us encourage one another—and all the more as you see the Day approaching.

Luke 18:1
Then Jesus told his disciples a parable to show them that they should always pray and not give up.

As Christians, we should not give up on our spiritual journey and responsibilities. Even more so since we know that our reward is guaranteed. Neither should we give up on reaching out to our non-believing friends as we know the dire consequences of not knowing Jesus. I must admit that when I see my family and friends who are so closed to the gospel, I am heart-broken and feel like giving up even talking about God to them. However, God never fails to call me to pray for their salvation and await the day they open their hearts to the wondrous joy of being with God. I am still praying...

Yeah! Mummy is here!

Joash has begun recognizing me and smiling at me when he sees me or when I play with him! Praise God! You won't believe when the first time it happened...

It was in the middle of the night and Joshua was changing his diapers. I entered the room to check on them when Joash grinned excitedly at me! Yah, I know... I'm not supposed to respond to him during the night especially since he already has day and night mixed up but well... Let's face it. I simply couldn't resist smiling back and then looking at my husband with an incredulous widening of my eyes to exclaim, "Bear bear, Joash just smiled at me!"

The above is a picture of him smiling when I was playing with him. And who says boys can't wear pink? *wink*

日夜颠倒

If you're not fluent in Mandarin, you probably don't know what the title means. It means reversing day and night... And to our horror, that's exactly what Joash is doing despite our valiant efforts!!! Sigh... He will be very sleepy and lethargic in the day but come nightfall... *owls tooting* Joash's eyes will brighten and look for people to play with! Joshua and I try really hard not to respond to him at night and I do my level best to engage him during the day but... Arrgghhh.... he is all the more excited when Grandma and Grandpa comes over at night cos he has someone to play with! *faint*

Here's a video clip of an attempt to amuse him and prevent him from sleeping right after his feed. Wake up, buddy! It's day time already! You can guess what his reaction was...

Kodak Moments

This is one of Joash's cutest gesture: Putting his fists against his cheeks when he is very engrossed in drinking formula from the bottle. Note the ultra intense look on his face. *grin*

Guess what is Joash's favourite burping cum starting-to-fall-asleep position? Remember Tare Panda? Bingo! Lying on Daddy or Mummy's chest and later on stomach! (That's when he starts to slip lower and lower as he falls asleep and his limbs become limp)

God is so good!

These two days alone at home with Joash have been better than I expected. God has seen me through cooking meals, doing housework and taking care of Joash despite my bad sore throat which makes me rather lethargic. My medication makes me all the more exhausted.

Joash has also been down with his very first flu. I brought him to the doctor but he told me that there is nothing to be done if he is still drinking milk and sleeping well. Yet, it breaks my heart when I hear him struggle to get rid of the phlegm or mucous that is stuck inside. Every breath seems laborious to him. Thank God that he is slightly better now and is able to breath less noisily unless he is hyper-ventilating due to the exertion of squirming around. May God heal both of us completely soon...

Joshua had been such dear to me. Knowing that it is really taxing for me to be on alert the whole day, he agreed to take over all of baby's care so that I can rest and recuperate at night. All I need to worry about is to breastfeed him then. I really hope that I can get used to the daily routine and recover from my illness so that he doesn't have to take the whole night shift and I can manage part of the night by myself. It must be so tiring for him! God is so good to give me such a wonderful husband!

Butterflies in my stomach

Tomorrow is my confinement lady's last day with me. After which, I will have to be alone at home with the baby plus manage the household chores and the cooking. I've always enjoyed the latter but seeing how my baby fusses despite all efforts to pacify him makes me nervous about being alone with him. Will I be able to cope? Will I chicken out of being a full-time homemaker? Will I keep my sanity? What if I forget to switch off the stove and burn down the house or worse, accidentally harm my baby? Will I lose my temper at him? I have seen some of my friends do the stay-home mum thingy successfully but aren't I less capable than them? All such thoughts rage through my mind. Dear God, help!

I have to keep reminding myself that God is with me and He will empower me to do the impossible. It is now my ministry to bring up Joash and manage the house well. This is what God has called me to and it is also what I've always dreamed of doing. I look forward to this testing of myself and see how I fare making this dream a reality. Please pray for me. Thank you so much! :)

Random Photos

Hey! Stop flashing lights at me, will ya?

*Yawn* I'm tired but I still dun wanna sleep...

Chipmunk look-alike

Ahhh... So comfy in Daddy's arms...

Milk, milk, I love milk!

Keep quiet! You all are too noisy!

What a bundle of joy!

Difficult as it may be, there are so many moments when my husband and I simply burst out laughing at the adorable antics and funny expressions that our precious son makes, even when it is in the middle of the night. He is just soooo cute!!!

Whenever he is hungry, he will lunge towards my breasts and will keep looking for the nipple frantically and turn his face left and right in quick, rapid successions even though I've already brought the nipple right in front of his mouth. He will hyperventilate out of sheer excitement at the prospect of milk. Once he latches on, he has this "Nobody is taking my milk from me" look.

If we don't get him his milk quick enough, he has come to make do with anything near him. Apart from his mittens, he had tried "eating" the tissue we placed under his chin, sucking at the wrong part of my breast, mouthing my husband's biceps and even latching onto my husband's nipple!

When he is trying to poo, he will pout his lips, widen his large beautiful eyes with intensity and make funny sounds. He reminds me of the baby octopus in Men In Black... that is if anyone remembers it.

Joshua and I went to watch "The Enchanted" one of the Saturdays. (We left Joash with my mother-in-law during the couple of hours we had our hot movie date. Thank God for her willingness to let us have some couple time!) When the chipmunk appeared, I asked Joshua, "Don't you think the chipmunk reminds you of Joash?" Joshua grinned and replied, "I was just thinking about that!"

What a cute lovely baby we have!

Our very first Christmas tree...

Yesterday, after our gynae appointment, we went to Concourse to get our very first family Christmas tree. It was really fun shopping with Joshua and Joash (thank God he was asleep in the sling most of the time) for the most suitable tree and the various ornaments that will match well with our home.

Christmas had never been a family thing for both Joshua and I and I've always wanted my first family Christmas with my husband (and of course son) to be special. Before I was a Christian, Christmas was a dreaded time for me as it meant loneliness and bitterness amidst the festive season which made it all the more ironic. I had no friends to go out with... no one to watch the Christmas lights with. I remember writing about my Christmas experience for my secondary school Chinese composition. My essay was pinned on the classroom wall but my teacher told me that she'll not put in the school magazine even though it was well written cos it was simply too sad a picture depicted of Christmas.

Over the years, as I tasted the goodness of my Lord Jesus, Christmas has wondrously changed for me. I've been blessed with wonderful memories of sharing the good news since I've known Him. Some years, I was away on mission trips to other countries to share the gospel during the holidays. (even experienced a white Christmas before!) Other years saw me caroling with various groups of Christian people. It has been really fun and meaningful. Now, when I see the Christmas lights and decorations being put up in the malls and streets, I get so excited and happy!!!

The symbolism of Christianity in the Christmas tree becomes more and more apparent to me. The evergreen nature of the Christmas tree now reminds me of the everlasting life we have in Jesus. The star that is placed at the top of the tree beckons us to Jesus just as the star in Bethlehem which called the wise men and shepherds to worship the newborn King 2007 years ago. It is also sobering to be reminded that Jesus' birth foreshadowed his own death on the 'tree' (another word for the cross) so that we might be with God.

I'm looking forward to the years to come when Joash is grown so that I can explain and share the goodness of Christmas with him...

Happy Family Portrait

We have been hoping to take some nice family photo but we are either too busy that we forget the camera or forget to take the picture or can't find anyone to help us take the photo or not dressed well enough for it cos we are at home or Joash is not in a good mood or Joash is sleeping or nursing or pooping.... etc (You get my drift.)

It is also hard to get Joash to smile as he only smiles for a split second after he has taken a full meal. He frowns most of the time and I wonder who he got that from... Anyway, we finally did get some taken, albeit in a hurry. Hope that we can get better photos taken in the future. *grin*

Projectile Motion

Changing Joash's diapers has become a high level commando mission. We must always be ultra quick and alert for any liquid or semi-solid projectiles detonating at us. Joash's digestive efforts for the previous few hours would be splashed mercilessly at any unsuspecting diaper-changer if he was not careful.

A couple of days ago, Joash had spurted his stools on my arm and Joshua's chest on two separate occasions within the same day! We were just thinking that maybe my confinement lady is more experienced and thus has some trick to avoiding his projectiles when her hand also got sprayed full with yellow stools! (Oops!) Looks like Joash doesn't play favorites, huh? This is LITERALLY KNS. (Kena Sai!) See the look on Joshua's face... and see the t-shirt, right smack in the middle... priceless... :P

Musings

Romans 3:23
"...for all have sinned and fall short of the glory of God..."

Joash decided to up our challenge as his parents at 3 weeks old. These days, he refuses to go to sleep unless he is being carried or nursed. We have done everything that could make him comfortable: changed his diapers, rubbed some Chinese medicinal oil on his tummy to ease gas pains, fed him well with breast-milk and formula, nursed him to sleep, rocked him to sleep, put him on our bed etc... He will simply wake up 5 minutes later crying to be carried or soothed whenever we put him down. This happens throughout the day. We hardly get any rest and neither does he, which is worrying.

Amidst the hardship, I began to be reminded of the fallen nature of mankind. We are all born without any regards for God or others. We are simply self-centered and whether intentionally or unintentionally, we bring harm to others and ourselves. We cause the very people taking care of us grief and severe sleep deprivation.

Something else that Joash does regularly makes me all the more convinced about the very nature of our sinfulness. He would be crying for milk and would try to meet his own need for food by his own efforts such as squirming which makes it difficult to carry him and sucking his mittens, effectively blocking his mouth when I try to feed him. What's more, he would be so frantic that he would use his arms to push against my chest when I try to nurse him, sabotaging the process of bringing his mouth to the very source of food.

That is simply the exact way we act in our relationship with God. We try so hard to meet our own needs for love and security when God designed us to be dependent upon Him and He has promised to provide for us abundantly. More often than not, our methods end up bringing us further from true fulfillment and eventually cause harm to ourselves. It is only when we surrender to the sovereignty of God that we can truly be satisfied.

God has already provided a perfect way to cleanse our sinfulness and return to His holy presence through our Lord Jesus Christ. Why are we still running away?

WANTED for assault

Victim's Testimony Against the Offender:

"He had the audacity to SMILE at me BEFORE and AFTER he bit me! He has clearly no remorse concerning the terrible deed..."

His grace is sufficient for me

Last night was the most tiring night so far. Apart from battling the usual problem of my low milk supply and Joash's ferocious appetite, he developed a new problem.

After feeding Joash for the usual few hours in the late afternoon, he got so desperate for milk that he bit my nipples! (Ouch!) So I gave him formula though I usually only do that at night. Thinking that he would be happily sleeping for the next three hours as per normal after formula, I went to him three hours later to change his diapers. To my horror, Joash had regurgitated a large amount of milk all over the cot!

God must have been with me as I calmly took out the beddings and asked my husband to throw them into the washing machine. We cleaned the cot out and changed him. We thought that it was all over but that was simply the beginning of our sleepless night.

Joash could not feed well and kept crying. We did everything we knew might soothe him: changed his diapers, fed him formula, carried and rocked him to sleep and sang to him. But nothing worked. It was then my husband brilliantly suggested that we tap his stomach to see if he had gas. The hollow sound we heard when I tapped him herald the bad news.

We spent the whole night massaging his stomach, burping him and exercising his legs. It was long and tedious work. Bit by bit, we heard him burp and fart and he gradually became calmer. By then, it was nearly morning. I didn't even have the time or energy to eat my midnight meal.

Never had I felt that the verse in Ecclesiastes 4:9 "Two are better than one" more poignant. Joshua and I took turns to rest a while and we somehow survived the night without me losing my cool. (Hallelujah! Praise the Lord! It's a miracle!)

Learning from other people's experiences, there will be many more great challenges ahead of us as Joash grows older. I can only cling on to God's wonderful promise that His grace is sufficient for me.

Like the Apostle Paul

Last Sunday, Pastor Shoo was preaching on Philippians 3 and it really ministered to me.

Like Paul with his earthly credentials, I have everything to boast of in my experience and knowledge of taking care of babies. My mother was a baby-sitter and I had seen four children grow up from 2 weeks old to 4 years of age and am adept at taking care of all of the babies' needs. (except breast-feeding cos we only used formula in the past and I surely had no milk! ha ha...) I was a Sunday School teacher and studied child psychology in my Uni days. I had also done extensive research on every baby topic throughout my life as this is my area of interest. I have absolutely no problem baby-sitting my friends' babies... Of all people, I should have an easy time caring for Joash, yah?

Guess again. It has only been half a month and I am already breaking so many rules in the book. I have always known that it is bad habit to nurse baby to sleep but Joash refuses to sleep otherwise. I should be waking baby up when he sleeps past his feed time but I am so tired that whenever that happens (rarely though) I would be reluctant to wake him so that I can rest more or finish up my chores. I vowed that I would never use the pacifier but I used it when Joash kept crying even after I nursed him for 4 hours. (Thank God Joash can't keep the pacifier in his mouth without me holding it for him and so I can't cop-out that way anymore :P) It is also a terrible habit to carry and rock baby to sleep but I let Joshua help me do that when I am too tired to feed him any longer so that he can sleep. What's more, I'm used to changing diapers whenever I know the baby has passed motion but Joash screams bloody murder whenever we change him and he has REALLY strong legs so it is a mammoth task to clean his buttocks. I've come to just let him stew in his own filth for as long as my conscience can take it and running the risk of him having nappy rash... sigh.

So many times, I am tempted to switch fully to formula as Joash is never quite satisfied with my breast and I have a terrible time trying to express my milk with the $100 AVENT manual breast pump. Talk about a severe lack of perseverance! (and a waste of good money!)

I need to be like Paul... "Forgetting what is behind and straining toward what is ahead". I should not let my past successes cause me to be overly disappointed in my present failures. I have to press on despite the many mistakes I've made as God is the One who empowers me to be a good mother.

Self-control

"A fool gives full vent to his anger, but a wise man keeps himself under control."
Proverbs 29:11

I've a fatal flaw called a quick temper... no... make it a VIOLENT temper. When I was a teenager, I could not control my anger and became destructive when provoked. I know what I am capable: I ever held a knife to chase after my brother, threw a table at my classmate, threw things out of the window and even punched the wall till I bled. It was until I accepted Christ that God slowly took hold of my anger and kept it under check as I gradually surrender control of my raging emotions to His Lordship.

A decade later, with almost no sleep at all for the past 2 and a half weeks, the fiery monster that lies domain for years threatens to unleash itself once again. I usually don't function very well when I lack sleep. It also happens that Joash is very sensitive to guests in the house and usually will be unable to sleep peacefully and will continue to be fussy long after the guests have gone home. Once when my brother and his girlfriend visited us, the two of them did not even make any sound as they went into his room to watch him sleep. Somehow, Joash sensed their presence and woke up and started to cry. The only thing that can calm my baby down is nursing him for long hours which is more tiring for me than when I used to jog around Mount Faber for an hour. ほんとつかれた! [Jap for 'really tiring']

As much as Joshua and I love visitors, we are simply exhausted by the effort it takes to soothe Joash when the guests have left. We can only brace ourselves for yet another sleepless night whenever we expect to entertain guests....

That's where the challenge comes in.

Sometimes, guests dropped by totally UNANNOUNCED and a few times it occurred after I finally managed to put Joash to bed and was really looking forward to one or two hours of rest. When that happened (even after we asked the guests to at least let us know in advance so that we can prepare ourselves mentally for no rest that night) I could feel my age-old fiend rise up and threaten to consume me. (sounds like Naruto with his nine-tail fox monster sealed within him LOL) I had visions of myself screaming at the guests to get lost or throwing my baby at them!!!

It was purely by the grace of God that I did none of that. I'm not sure how but when my heart cried out to God to help me control my anger, He supplied me with a strange calm within and I was amazed that I could be civil and entertain the guest as per normal even! I'm so grateful to God for keeping my rage reigned in.

As I shared this with Joshua, we prayed that God will continue to help me be of good testimony even when I am pressed on all sides. Thank God that I managed to keep a cool head even when Joshua forgot to turn off the stove and burnt the soup and forgot to cover Joash's private part while changing his diapers resulting in generous sprays of "blessings" all over the place. God simply reminded me that Joshua is at least as tired as I am.

Tough as it is, this period of time, God has taught me many lessons in dependence upon Him. Would you pray with me that things would eventually get better? :)

Joash's first tummy time!

The Daddy and Baby Tare Pandas!!!

Here's a video clip of Joash's first tummy time with Mummy and Daddy...

Joshua is my Superman!

This photo is taken during
the wee hours in the morning

I am definitely not the only one with sleepless nights (and days) in taking care of Joash. For a person who usually cannot function without the full 6 hours of sleep, Joshua is valiantly coping with perhaps only two sessions of 2 hours of sleep at night. Since I am already exhausted with the feeding schedule plus I am supposed to be in confinement, which means I should rest more, Joshua took the enormous effort to not only help take care of Joash but also take care of me.

I am amazed that my husband can now actually hear Joash cry and wake up before I do! He will bring our son to me for feeding, heat up my midnight food while I nurse Joash, carry Joash around for a walk to put him to bed as I eat my meal then wash up the dishes after I'm done and even massage my aching muscles before we fall asleep again! There are even times when Joash refuses to go to sleep even after the feed so he carried him till the next feed while I sleep... and he still has to go to work the next day. Goodness! God has truly blessed me with a fantastic husband! God must indeed be the One who sustains him...

I can't believe that he still feels so inadequate. Joshua muses that Joash cries when he changes his diapers.

My dear bear bear... Joash cries whenever we change his diapers or bath him. He wails as loudly whenever my confinement lady or I do the same so it's not just you. So cut yourself some slack, yah?

Joshua makes a great husband and father, don't you think? *wink*

Wakey, wakey!

Here's a video clip of me trying to wake Joash up to finish his milk so that he'll sleep more soundly later on. Alas! I am not always successful...

My favorite time of the day

This is my favourite time of the day... when Joash is asleep! Look how peaceful he is... if only it will last longer. It is during these short snippets of time that I can do anything else: pack up stuff, update my blog, read emails, bathe, do my devotion, catch a snooze and eat in peace. (as opposed to eating with one hand while he nurses in my other arm)

At the moment, Joash is quite unable to stay awake for more than 5 min without crying. I shall wait for the day when he will be able to sustain a stretch of awake time when he can interact with me. I would love to read the bible to him and sing songs of praise to God with him... For now, I am contented with singing "Jesus loves me" and "He's able" etc to soothe him to sleep and pray with him while I nurse him. I pray that Joash will indeed grow into a man who loves God wholeheartedly. May God empower me to do as such!


This is his cot with the mosquito net. Just one sleeping time without the net, and he'll be "kissed" by the buzzers... I wonder why they like him so much. Joshua and I hardly get bitten. Perhaps his soft tender skin? Heh heh...

Who does he take after?

Okay, okay... I get it that everyone has his own opinion about who Joash looks like. Perhaps this is something that may be a little more objective: Here are our baby photos and Joash's photo. Now placed side by side, decide who he REALLY looks like. I will put up both my hands and feet to say that Joash looks more like Joshua. *grin*

Joshua

Joash

Jaclyn

Martial Arts Talent?

Here's just something I scrambled together between feeds... Hope you'll enjoy it! :)

Perseverance is the key!

Strange to say this but thanks to the hospital stay due to Joash's jaundice condition that we found out what could be bothering Joash. He had been crying for milk even after feeding him for hours! I didn't get any sleep at all since we got back from the hospital.

After listening to many people's contradicting opinions (which was very confusing and stressful for me as some say that I don't have enough milk for Joash while others say that since the technique is correct I should have enough... etc etc...) We concluded that my milk supply is slow in catching up with Joash's growth needs at the moment. We noticed that he sleeps really soundly after being fed formula. So for the moment, as tough as it is, I will keep feeding him till I am too exhausted to continue then I'll feed him formula so that I can get at least some shut eye. As a friend of mine who is a mother said: Welcome to the breastfeeding mother's world!

This is my view 80% of my time now... Joash suckling at my breast. He loves to put his fists up beside his cheeks as if he is guarding himself in a boxing match. This must be a habit he picked up in the womb. I can still remember him constantly punching my bladder...

Ahhh... i'm satisfied! For now.... *eerie music* (Notice the drop of breastmilk at his right cheek?)

We learnt another new thing while in the hospital too. (I think I must have forgotten about this since the last time I changed a diaper was a decade ago :P) Newborns are supposed to have at least 6 wet diapers a day and I was told Joash was not urinating enough. So when I changed him, I kept checking the diapers by touching it (yucks!) and even resorting to smelling it! The urine is supposed to be clear, right? So how am I to tell? Then miraculously, a nurse just mentioned to me that there is a line that turns from yellow to blue if there had been even the slightest urine. Hallelujah! Mystery solved! and to think that we were sooo "sua ku". Extreme "malu-ation"!!!

God's perfect timing

Remember that I was rather anxious about when Joash will be coming out? I am indeed a woman of little faith as I should have trusted that God's timing is always perfect. I couldn't have chosen any other better time to deliver him. Here are some of the reasons, courtesy of my husband who complied them:

1) It's a public holiday. Joshua didn't need to take leave for the day. So we had one more day of paternity leave to play around with.

2) It happened in the morning. Or else we would both have been too tired to go through with the whole draining process.

3) The baby was fully developed already, so if he had stayed in the womb for some more days, it might have been bad for his health because faeces might start to accumulate in the water bag. The nurse showed my husband the evidence of Joash's first stools at his anus when he was just delivered.

4) News spreaded fast because a number of church members were fellowshipping together. So many of my church mates were praying for us!

5) Joshua and I had prayed for the baby to come out soon just some 4 hours before the water bag broke! God answered so clearly and quickly!

6) The hospital had just finished some renovations the day before, so we had peace and quiet throughout our hospital stay.

7) There were quite a number of people who discharged from the hospital the day before. This made it possible for Joshua to secure a good single room to stay over in the hospital with me. I really needed the help to move around as I was in great pain. (The hospital only allows those in single wards to have a companion stay over)

8) Joshua had a rather large amount of work to be cleared the day after delivery... But his boss reduced it because of changes in the project! So he finished his work even though he was only working half-day on Friday.

9) Joshua's boss flew off on Sunday so the next week was rather lull... A good time to take paternity leave!

These are only the thanksgivings concerning the delivery. Little did we know that later on, our confinement lady was hospitalized after her first day at our place! Poor woman, she must have been overworking herself. I hope that she'll be able to nurse back her health eventually. We were also concerned that I would not have anyone to help me or cook for me while she tries to find a replacement for us (that is so responsible of her to do that!)

By the grace of God, the Monday she was hospitalized was the day we found out that Joash had very bad jaundice during our doctor's appointment. He had to be hospitalized too. Since I was breastfeeding him, I wanted to stay with him and the hospital serves good confinement food and has nurses to help me. Thus, we decided to spend the money to admit myself into a ward for the two days. Thank God too that a replacement was found and she could come the day after I discharge! What's more, the new lady is a Christian and we could come up with a better arrangement with her than the previous one concerning going for Sunday service. Yeah!

Praise God for healing Joash of jaundice and my recovery from the episiotomy is unexpectedly quick. I am now able to move around without too much pain and I think I am able to attend church this Sunday. Really looking forward to it.

Joash undergoing photo-therapy (Looks like he is sleeping on a scanner... Ha ha)

Introducing Baby Joash! *Fanfare*

The Birthing Process

0600 hrs
As usual, baby was moving very actively in my tummy and woke me up from sleep once again. Joshua and I were planning to catch a movie that day and I thought that we should start assembling our baby cot soon since baby can come out anytime. Looking at the clock, I figured that it was too early to truly wake up. That was when I felt a tight contraction and something broke within. Instinctively, I jumped out of the bed and went to the bathroom. (To tell the truth, I mentally rehearsed that movement many times as the last thing I want when my water bag breaks is to ruin my super expensive and comfortable memory foam bed! :P) Water tinged with blood gushed out in spurts. Strangely calm, I called out for my husband. With the first contraction, my water bag broke and had a bloody show (the three signs that indicate the beginning of labor. It was clear as day that it was time to call our gynae.

0900 hrs
We reached the delivery room and went through the routine procedures. Our gynae told us to take our time to have breakfast and come down to the hospital when Joshua called him. The contractions were very much like mild menstral cramps and became more painful as time passed. However, since my waters broke, the gynae was worried about infection if we were to take our time with the labor. Thus, he wanted to put me on IV drip to speed up and intensify the labor pains so that the baby can come out faster with fewer complications.

1000 hrs
Everyone in the delivery ward were very professional. No unnecessary comments were made and everything was quick and efficient. That is, all but one senior lady. she sounded as if she was a very experienced person when she tried to put the drip's needle in me, saying that she'll find the nicest vein for me. Since I am a blood donor and not afraid of needles at all, I thought it would go smoothly. To my surprise, she raptured my vein and could neither draw out the necessary blood nor put in the drip as the accumulated liquid formed a small bubble on my hand causing no small amount of pain. I stared at her in disbelief when she reprimanded me for having small veins! (Had an IV drip before and it went smoothly without pain) Talk about the Adam and Eve syndrome when they played the blaming game. *gasp* Another nurse ultimately finished the task skillfully in her stead.

1200 hrs
The gynae came and said that I was 2 cm dilated. This time round, I was prepared when he checked my cervix. He commented that I was doing good etc. (Meaning I didn't scream like the last time lah... ha ha) He came in later again to check on me when I was four cm dilated and I was still coping with the increased pain with breathing techniques. By then, it felt like my usual menstral cramp at its peak. The nurse suggested I use the gas mask to alleviate the pain but all it did was made my giddy when I did try. My friend was right: the mask was quite useless.

1400 hrs
I was 6 cm dilated. The same senior lady came in to tell me that my bladder is too full and it is preventing the baby from coming out. She wanted to drain it. She sent my husband out. First mistake. Joshua was my pillar of support in the intensified pain. She tried putting the tube into my uthrea to drain it and did it in such a rough manner that it hurt, A LOT. The pain could actually distract me from my contractions. Mistake number two. When the next wave of contraction came, I wasn't prepared for it and I started screaming. The lady had the audacity to complain in a very loud voice to her colleagues that I was uncooperative. Then, she even had to tell me that I was a loser to be screaming when I was only 2 cm dilated (she sure didn't have her facts right!) She said that I should have had an epidural knowing that I have such a low threshold for pain. That was simply the GIANT straw that broke the camel's back. I was so upset that I lost control of myself and became delirious with pain. I couldn't stop screaming.

1530 hrs
What happened later was such a blur to me as I was already in "never never land" and seemed to be very far removed from everything that was happening around me. Vaguely, I remember feeling very embarrassed about my screaming and disturbing others with my noise and yet I couldn't do anything about it. I supposed I must have nodded when they asked me if I needed epidural so that I won't cause trouble to my gynae when he finally delivers my baby. However, since I did not pre-book the specialist, we waited for yet another hour before she came to give the anesthetic to me. By that time, I was already 9 cm dilated, with just 1 more cm to go...

1630 hrs
The relief from the pain was quick and very much welcomed. Already trembling with pain before, I started trembling even more due to the side effects of the epidural. But I was grateful that I could stop screaming and became sane after awhile just before the gynae came. He decided for me that I couldn't push the baby out by myself due to the numbness and used a vaccuum suction to get the baby out. That meant an episiotomy which I dreaded. Frankly, I was way too exhausted to care by then. Pity that I was too weak too hold Joash when they first placed him on my chest, bloody and all. At least, I was able to breastfeed him in the delivery room with the help of a nurse. Joash is simply so adorable! I think he has my lips (perhaps also the nose?) and Joshua's everything else... hee hee...

The Aftermath

I remember telling people that I did not fear the labor itself but I fear the difficult recovery from any form of surgical cut such as an episiotomy or a cesarean. I think I'm right. The episiotomy wound hurt like mad especially after the effects of the epidural wore off. It is a pain that surely want to avoid in the future.

More about my experiences as a new mother in the next blog. :)

Looking forward to seeing baby...

It is 4 days to baby's expected due date which is on the 11th of Nov. However, my gynae said that my cervix is still unripe and recommended inducing the labor if labor doesn't start spontaneously before the baby is overdue to avoid potential complications. I've always thought that the baby would come early so inducing is not something I really thought about much. After listening to the process of inducing, the whole thing just seems so complicated.

Although disappointed that it may not be a natural birth, I am growing excited about the prospect of finally seeing my baby. I am trying to brace myself for the pain that I'll have to endure to get him out but I am sure it'll all be worth it. God assures us in Phil. 4:6-7

"Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God. And the peace of God, which transcends all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus. "

I will cling onto His precious promise and follow the gynae's advice: to meditate on Psalm 23 during labor pain. (And perhaps consider having epidural... ha ha!) His philosophy is that the birthing process should be as painless and efficient as possible to keep the suffering of both the mother and baby to the minimum. After much thought and prayer, I have more or less decided that if God allows the labor to begin naturally before my appointment with the gynae this Friday, I'll attempt to go without medication. If I have to be induced, I would then accept the full medical intervention including the epidural. I figured, no point trying to be a hero since inducing will intensify the labor pains...

This feels very much like my A' Levels all over again with all its mental gymnastics for all sort of possibilities and uncertainties. The only difference is that this will be a test of my physical endurance instead of the test of my mental endurance. I'm sure God will bring me through this test as He did many years ago.

I hope that I'll be able to share about my newborn the next time I blog. *grin*

Holiday before baby comes

Since starting my maternity leave yesterday, I began to relax more. Really wonderful to catch up on my much needed sleep. Kinda tough to travel now with my big belly so I'm stuck home. But it's okay. More time to spend with God actually...

My university friend visited me last night and I really enjoyed her company. *grin* It had been really long since we caught up with each other... I guess we were really so busy with our own lives. Had lots of fun showing her all the photos of my wedding and the honeymoon video I created. We laughed like schoolgirls at the silly antics of my cute cuddly bear of a husband! Maybe I should post it on Youtube for all to enjoy! (ha ha) But must ask his permission first. :P

Joshua and I had been playing the one and only computer game we ever bother to play in our lives "仙剑奇侠传" edition number 4!!! (fanfare) It is really nostalgic as we played together the first few editions together years back when we were just buddies at his parent's place. I fondly remember the times when we looked forward to school holidays so that we could have fun together. In fact, there was once when he was out of job and I was having my term break, we played the game together so much that his mum was worried that we were addicted to it! (ha ha) Dun worry, Mum, we were just trying to complete the game before my term break ended and he found a job. :)

Joshua and I are simply unbeatable together at this game: I've great sense of directions and can maneuver around the uncharted territory effortlessly just by looking at the map and scour the land for all treasures that can be found. Whereas he takes a mighty long time just to get his bearings. However, Josh has a great memory for all the details regarding the skills of the character and the monsters. He knows what will kill what effectively and when to use what technique and so on and so forth. And me? I can't, for the life of me, remember them and when I tried to fight the battle without him, I get myself killed by the creatures in no time. So with our powers combined, we're invincible! (Bwahahahaha!) God is simply so marvelous to put us together. We just complement each other so much!

I really thank God that I'm able to do more of the housework these days with more rest. Poor hubby! He had to do most of the chores throughout my pregnancy cos I really had been physically drained from the hundred and one discomforts I experienced daily. And the ailments were never the same for long! Good thing that the Lord's mercies are new everyday too... (ha ha) But I must say that seeing him doing the chores as an act of the will for me warms my heart. (He hates chores btw) My husband really loves me soooo much! I really pray that I can go back to cooking decent meals for him after I become a full-time homemaker. I really miss cooking especially since it is just so rewarding to cook for my hubby since he likes my cooking so much... *beaming* I can't believe that he even likes it when I cook instant noodles for him! (That's the only thing I am up to cooking these days :P)

Josh has been taking me out for romantic escapades to spend couple-time before our baby arrives. We went to Labrador Park, our favorite "pak-tor" place and a super nice restaurant for a candle light dinner. We even watched a movie marathon once. I really love where we stay! With West Mall 5 min's walk away, we don't have to worry about traveling home after midnight movies!

Okay, enough rambling... Looking forward to spending the whole of tomorrow with bear bear (that's what I call him... and I'm his meow meow *swoon*) It's really wonderful that he doesn't have to work on Saturdays. God is so good to us!

A New Phase in Life

Back when I was a teenager before I knew Christ, I would never have imagined my life to be this beautiful. I've always thought that I would be miserably lonely and depressed, wishing for death every second. Being happy even when I spend big portions of my day alone at home was simply impossible back then. Being able to rejoice in spite of difficulties was totally beyond me. Being at peace even though there are many frightening changes in my life was equally unimaginable.

Within the year 2007, there were so many tremendous changes. I left my church which I have been attending since I believed in Christ a decade ago and joined my husband in his church, leaving behind a wonderful choir ministry and old friends. I became the owner of my very own 3-rm flat, got married and a month later got pregnant. Now, after months of roller-coaster physical metamorphosis due to the growing miracle of God in my womb, I'm resigning from Youth for Christ where I extremely enjoyed the work of evangelism through using the gifts that God has endowed me with, leaving behind co-workers and friends whom I've come to cherish and love. All these parting pains to answer the call of God to be a full-time home-maker and provide godly care for my child who is to come.

I am reminded of the Bible passage in Matthew 8:23-26 when the disciples were panicking in the raging storm while Jesus was sleeping soundly in the very same boat. I do not want to be a woman of little faith and therefore I cling on tightly to God amidst the drastic changes and take comfort in His constant presence. Pregnancy had been tough for me: hospitalized twice, staying at home for two months alone coping with the severe nausea, frequent fainting spells, enduring a strict diet of crackers and Ovaltine. It is simply amazing the joy that I had in the Lord during those quiet moments spent with my loving heavenly Father.

Oh, and to suffer the sadness of having one of my two best friends gone to Australia to pursue her dream, destiny and desires during the time where I would greatly appreciate her physical presence. Though I'm truly happy for her and wish her all the best in her endeavors and new found love life after so many years of waiting upon the Lord, there is no day that has gone by without my missing her so much. And now I'm facing the pending separation from my other best friend as she contemplates going to the States to find a fresh start in life. Wishing the best for her, I pray that she'll be able to do so soon, even as I begin to grieve yet another loss...

Indeed, there are great many challenges ahead for me. I need to devote much prayers and energies to adjust to the life of a homemaker. I need to continue to strive to establish my own friendships and ministry in my new church. I have to forge new relationships with other Christian young mothers and homemakers so that I can grow in my godliness as a wife and mother with their support.

It is all so scary when I see the enormous task ahead of me. But my fears are quelled when I see how much greater my God is.

My Testimony

MY STORY, HIS GRACE

Song: Remember Me

(Verse 1)

A shining star fallen from the sky

Turn from glitter to a glimpse

Open bright with your eyes

See my warmth flows into dreams

Come closer now

(Chorus)

With a song to you

Listen

To the truth in me

I treasure what you gave to me

I care for you

(Verse 2)

I called you in a whispered sigh

Could you promise one last time

Never chanced birds fly high

Wait a lifetime for this try

(Epilogue)

Remember all the joy with me

Under the sun

Remember all the pain

As piercing darts to me

Your love in my life

Remember me

Remember me

       Yes. Remember me. That had been my drive for significance. I derived my significance from my relationships with people around me. However, at the same time, my deepest wounds came from these very same relationships.

         I am the eldest and was the only female in my generation back then. Perhaps, many of you will identify with the Chinese culture I was brought up in. Every time my extended family had a gathering, I would be delegated the job of taking care of my younger brother and a horde of impish cousins. I often felt like a mother hen; trying to keep them in line while at the same time wanting to fit in with my cousins. That was a formidable task. Since I was responsible for them, whatever mischief they got into, I was blamed and punished for leading them astray. I was just a child in my elder's eyes and yet I was the tattle-tale big sister who was supposed to watch over the young ones. I belonged to neither generation.

My brother and I used to be rather close when we were young. I fondly remember his numerous questions when we stayed up the whole night talking, such as ‘What is the universe?’, ‘How big is the universe?’ and ‘Where do babies come from?’.

Being the intelligent, experienced and mature older sister that I was, I told him what my Mom always told me in answer to his last question: from the rubbish dump.

However, I was often punished for bad behaviour of my brother and I was usually made to give in to his whims just because I was older and a girl. Gradually, I developed a great resentment against my parents and brother. And how did I take revenge? I bullied him when my Mom was not looking. I used to gang up with the boy next door to frighten my brother. Maybe that was why he had frequent nightmares when he was young. Wasn’t I vicious?

            Because of my status as a girl and the first child, my parents would naturally be extremely protective of me. I remember the time when my social studies project group wanted to meet at one of the teammates’ home, which was just next block. My mom thought that it was too far away from home for me and refused to let me go. If there were any outings with my classmates or friends, I would be the only one who was unable to attend because I could not gain my Mom’s permission. This caused me to feel left out and alienated from my friends. I was angry at their restrictions, being a very adventurous person by nature. Unable to go out with my friends as often as expected among my peers, I was sort of labeled as anti-social. Because my brother, though 3 years younger than I, was allowed to go out and do things I was never allowed to do when I was his age, I resented their favouritism towards my brother. I thought I was really treated unfairly.

Since young, due to constant interaction with my brother, male cousins and childhood buddies, I was very tomboyish. Though I very much wanted to have intimate female friends, I could not mix well with them. Each time I could finally bond with a girl of my age, she would have to leave me by moving to another part of Singapore. Each time, I grieved inwardly for I knew that I would never see them again, because my parents would never allow me to visit or go out with them. Thus to begin with, it was very difficult for me to risk being vulnerable to girls.

To make matters worse, I had a crush on my childhood buddy. After keeping it to myself for 2 years, I took up the courage to share it with a female friend I thought I could trust. Before I knew it, the news was spread throughout my whole class and I became the laughing-stock of the year. Being young and unable to handle the situation, my guy friends began to avoid me. I had nowhere to turn to. It was too embarrassing to share it with my family and I have lost faith and trust in relationships.

       One of my main weaknesses is being tactless and blunt with my words. Thus, I offended people easily. Because I had offended the popular girls in my secondary school and they began to spread ugly rumours about me. They said things like ‘I was out to seduce guys’ because I was much closer to guys than girls due to my background. Needless to say, those close guy friends I had stayed away from me so as not to be gossiped about too. I was deeply hurt that most people believed them but I refused to show the hurt or even try to explain myself. To escape the world, I feign illness whenever I was depressed so that I did not have to face the reality of isolation. I developed the reputation of being aloof, sickly and moody.

            The worst could have happened to me was that I was rejected by people. I tried to be the class clown to make people laugh and strive for acceptance but it backfired. I had sarcastic nicknames such as ‘The Entertainer’ and ‘林黛玉’ (A Chinese story’s female lead who was famous for being sickly and pitiful). Those remarks though spoken casually by my friends, cut deep into my heart and wounded my spirit mortally. Instead of getting the approval of people, I was ridiculed. Gradually, I convinced myself that I did not need anybody and I became a lone-ranger.

            To my closer friends in secondary school, I portrayed myself as the big sister whom people confide in. To earn their respect, I always set myself up as invulnerable and I seldom confide in them how much hurt I was going through because I was afraid to be totally vulnerable to them. The times when I did share, things seemed more depressing as I realised that such matters had no solution to them. Gradually, I built an emotional armour to protect myself from further hurt. I hardened my heart and convinced myself that I didn’t need anybody, though in the deepest recesses of my heart I was bleeding to death.

Song: I Lied

(Verse 1)

Someone used to tell me

That I seemed so very strong

Just because that

I had never cried when someone hurt my pride

And she asked me what’s my secret

Well I told her that I don’t need anyone

(Verse 2)

To the others I looked like

Someone who is made of steel

Especially

When they see me hold my head up high in heavens

Even when they try to bring me down

I have yet to fall I still remain standing tall

(Chorus)

I told them I’ll never falter even when they sneer

I told them that nothing could bring me down

Even when they jeer

I told them I am a lone tree

On an island needing nobody

I lied

Yes I had lied

(Bridge)

There’s a part of me that yearn for the warmth

I am still a human who needs someone to love

            I was an avid reader for it was the only way to escape my lonely and sheltered world. By the time I was in Secondary two, I had gone through most of the books available in my neighbourhood library, the only place I could go unescorted. I was extremely attracted to books on the occult and witchcraft as I yearned to control my life and environment. Repeated failure to find a niche of belonging for myself drove me further into the world of fantasy. However, the spiritual realm was no fantasy at all. As I continued to dwell into such practices, I began to see spirits and had recurring nightmares. I heard voices in my head and it was not long before I started to converse with those voices. At the same time, I met a schoolmate who was into such psychic and occult activities too. Together with a few others, we performed experiments of other-worldly nature. Gradually, I noticed my behaviour towards my family became more and more rebellious. When I could not communicate my thoughts and feelings to them, I ended up quarrelling with them, nursing my bitterness towards them. It came to a point when I could not speak to them at length without arguing violently.

            Everything my family did seemed unfair and cruel to me. I insisted on my own rights and opinions and was frustrated when I could not make them see my point. I hated them so much that at times I woke up in the middle of the night holding a kitchen knife with the desire to plunge it into their sleeping bodies! But each time, I was stopped by something I could not understand.

            My most cherished dream then was leaving my family and never seeing them again. But I was too young to survive on my own. I had to wait till I was old enough to launch the escape plans that germinated in my young mind during many sleepless nights. I wrote down the revenge I would inflict upon them when I grow up. I’d torture my parents when they grow old or abandon them when they need me most. Many a time, I had packed my bags, ready to run away from home but I backed out the last minute. A small voice told me that I would regret it.

            I was a borderline case in school. I was in one of the SAP school and hated the competitive environment as it drained all pleasures from my studies. I wanted to go to a neighbourhood school, but I still wanted to please my parents by obeying them in their choice of school for me. I was dying to finish my education so that I could go out to work and live independently.

            Secondary three saw me emotionally, mentally and physically a wreak. The voices in my head went on incessantly, causing me to have insomnia. I was plagued by fears and hatred. I was hopelessly estranged from my family and friends, but my friends never got close enough to realise the extent of my hatred towards my own kin. To these friends, I appeared confident enough. The truth was that I was nearing a mental breakdown and was emotionally dying. I was living a lie and only my family knew the horror that I became.

One day, after seven years of trying to win back the trust of the boy I had a crush on, I finally had the courage to ask him out on a date. I was rejected and not long after which he got himself a girlfriend. That was what pushed me over the edge.

 Finding no purpose in life, I lost the will to go on living. Obsessed with the idea of dying by slitting my wrist, I bought a new penknife and waited patiently for a suitable opportunity to end my life. The rare chance came when my family went to visit my grandparents for the weekend. As usual, I begged illness and stayed at home alone. I prepared a basin of hot water and sat on the kitchen floor musing my dying thoughts. I asked myself what was the meaning in life and I could not come up with a satisfactory answer. 'Everything in life is temporal and the human race is so ugly, selfish and cruel. Is there hope?'

Just as I was about to plunge my first cut into my wrist, the phone rang. I was curious at who in the world would call at a time like this and I went to pick up the phone. It was my choir mate telling me to meet her at the usual place so that we could head school for practice together. After she put down the phone, I said to myself, “This will teach you not to take me for granted. You wish to see me tomorrow? I’ll make sure you won’t!”

I scurried back to my apparatus, burning with anger and despair. Yet again, someone seemed to call out to me, beseeching me to wait. It seemed to say, ‘Hang in there. There is still hope but you have yet to know it.’ I was confused. This was a still quiet voice that I could not recognise. It was different from those voices that plagued me day and night. In fact, those telepathic “friends” were encouraging me to end my pathetic life. ‘They” were in as much despair and disillusionment as I was.

After what seemed like eternity, I lost even the will to commit suicide. I thought maybe I was not fated to die yet. I packed up everything and placed my penknife into my pencil case, just so that I would have it handy.

I thought a lot after that aborted attempt at suicide. I asked myself why I'd become such as wreak. I began to desire a peaceful, normal life and I suddenly realised that my involvement in the psychic group was not going to help me do that. I began shying away from them. I did not do it graciously though and hurt them in the process. People began to say that I had betrayed my friends who took me in when no one else wanted me. I was deeply wounded but I pressed on. No more seemingly talking to myself during break time, no more responding to the voices that screeched for my attention in my mind, no more reading those books on the occults.

I tried to change. Truly. I desired to be a good person so much that I wanted to clean up my act in my studies and family life. I thought if I don’t respond in kind and remain silent when they provoked me, there would be peace. After all, it takes two to clap. But being bad-tempered, I could only keep the silence for no longer than before.

I bought an organiser so that I could organise me life and plan my study schedule but I ended up not following through what I started out to do. I could actually forget to look at the book even if I managed to remember to write down the things I wanted to accomplish. After numerous failed attempts, the book laid in my drawer collecting dust.

Unceasingly, I tried and tried. I tried being less hypocritical towards my friends, I tried being more feminine, and I tried doing good. I still thought that I could change myself just by sheer will power alone. I thought I could do it. Finally, I had to admit that I needed help. At that time, my father was very enthusiastic about his religion. As I respected my father’s rational mind, I went to his religious meetings.

However, the whole ritual left me cold and fearful. Instead of finding peace, I became more susceptible to the voices in my head and there was an increase in the frequency of my nightmares. I sincerely tried all that they suggested but it only grew worse.

In the end, I refused to go back to the religion, widening the gap between my father and myself.

In my Junior College, things were not much better. I only wanted to have some fun for the first three months before going to polytechnic but I met a bunch of friends that truly accepted me for who I was. The closest to me was a Christian, which was ironic because I usually had a very bad impression of Christians and would disassociate myself from them. To me, Christianity was the most misled religion in the world. I thought it was crazy and humiliating to humble oneself to be a servant to a “god”. I felt these people were fools to give so much and obey such strict rules for a man-made illusion. The Junior College was a mission school and I was very insolent and disrespectful during chapel, obviously hurting my close friend. I could not care less.

The short but blissful three months went by and during the second intake, these friends all went elsewhere and I was left alone again. Since those months were my happiest moments in life, I chose to stay to retain whatever pleasant memories I had.

The days were hard to get by since I could not click with my new classmates. I was once again the lone-ranger. My grades were so bad that I had to bring my parents to see the principal. I ran the risk of being retained. The situation at the home front was unchanged. Every time I fail, I would regret the time when I hesitated to end my life with that fateful slash of the knife. I lived a day at a time, without meaning, purpose or joy. Just like a living corpse. Even my passion for singing, writing, composing songs and acting could not fill the great vacuum in my heart.

I felt so miserable that I began to blame others for my plight. I blamed my family, my friends and most of all fate and God for allowing such ugliness and pain in my life. I challenged God to prove that He existed and many nights, I vented my frustration on the silence of the unseen and seemingly apathetic God. It was just so convenient to push the blame on the impersonal fate. I never truly expected any reply.

Song: Can there be someone?

(Verse 1)

I see them going around in groups

Surrounded by such life

I can see their blissful happiness

But the joy no matter how

Can never touch me

I never knew it

Just out of reach

(Pre-chorus 1)

The world feels cold to me

I do not hold the key

Nothing belongs to me

Nor am I ever free

No longer have the strength to

Keep melancholy at bay

It does not to pray

(Pre-chorus 2)

Invisible to them

Though I am also a friend

Heedless my soul they bent

Will they ever relent?

O God is it really too much to ask for a kind soul

To keep away the cold

(Chorus)

Can there be someone

Or do I hope in vain

Can there be someone

To keep the pain away

O is it true

Or I’m a fool

To wish for someone

Who cares for me?

          In my second year of my JC life, I was placed in the same group as a classmate of mine. She was a quiet and unassuming girl who never caught my attention. Strangely enough, despite our differences in personality, she began to care for me as a friend although I was considered an outcast in my class. I was intrigued by her actions and tried to “read” her with what I learnt from my involvement with the psychic world. However, I could not fathom her at all. I began to be truly touched by her love and care for me though I could not understand her. I could only understand the language of love. Gradually, I confided in her and I could tell that she was concerned about my past.

I discovered that she was a Christian when she told me that God had told her to show me His unconditional love even though she did not like me in the beginning. She tried to share her faith with me but as usual, I mocked her faith, the way I did to other acquaintances and friends who tried to do the same. I was rather angry and insulted her for thinking that I actually needed a God to forgive me when I believed that I could always earn my salvation through my good deeds outweighing the bad. Yet, something she said to me lingered in my mind. I felt that something was beginning to happen to me. Something familiar, warm and yet so foreign to me. Something that I could not grasp comprehensively with my mind…

Song: Haunting Dream

(Verse)

Chasing fabricated illusions

Just to survive

Silence never broken until you

Shatter the lies

(Pre-chorus)

One day I walked down the streets

Of a place where I swore that in the past

I have seen

You see me trying to capture the feeling

Until suddenly I thought I hear it

(Chorus)

Calling me, calling me

Turning around and there is nothing there

But a facet of dream

Still it’s calling me, calling me

Turning around and it is not there anymore

 But the wind…

…Fading away

         What happened next, I could never fully explain. It was as if God started to peel off all my pretence, self-deception and calluses that I developed to protect myself from further hurt. All my self-anointed moral values and belief systems about the world and myself just crumbled to nothingness. I saw myself for the first time the rebellious and sinful child that I was. I realised how insignificant I was and truly saw the fiasco that my attempts in life were. It was then I realised that God has indeed been working silently in my life all along. He was the soft, gentle voice that called me every time I ventured too near to the point of no return. He was the One who brought to me Christian friends who showed me His unconditional love. In the face of such love, I broke down and wept.

Yet, I had so many unanswered questions in my mind such as the reliability of the bible as God’s Word and the reason why there is still so much suffering in the world if God is so good. My rational mind just could not contend with all those doubts.

Even so, I was at the end of myself and I knew that I had tried everything else to live a fulfilled life but had failed miserably. I yearned for the unconditional love and forgiveness that had been promised. I yearned for the acceptance, the significance, meaning and purpose in life that I never had. Thus, it was by faith and faith alone that I told my friend two weeks later that I wanted to receive Jesus into my life.

Song: Faith

(Verse 1)

Would You see me as worthy

Of the love You have given to me?

Would You see me as holy

And not someone who has sinned helplessly?

Can You see me when I am lonely?

Can You see me when I am down?

I long to see Your face

Then I’ll know that I’m always Yours

(Verse 2)

Would You lead me far away

From temptations we meet everyday?

Would You tell me not to stray

From the path before You lay?

Can You find me when I am hopelessly lost?

Can You forgive me when I am found?

I want to feel Your presence

So I’ll know that You’re my Source

(Epilogue)

Now I know I don’t have to question

You’ll be there for eternity

           When I prayed the sinner’s prayer, there were no discernible changes that I could feel in myself but I had the mentality that I would try this out for some time and I could always back out if all those proved to be my imagination.

Amazingly, my life began to change and turn around. I could no longer hear voices in my mind for the blood of Jesus covered me and I ceased to have recurring nightmares. Slowly but surely, I began to develop a spirit of excellence in my work attitude through the fact that I wanted to please God by doing the best I could. He gave me a genuine love for my family that I never had and by the power of the Holy Spirit that was given me, I began to change miraculously, something I could not do with my own strength. My parents disapproved of my conversion especially at the beginning but they were the very ones who could really see how much I'd changed since I received Christ. At the end of the year, I had results that ensured me a place in University. Praise God! Never at any moment had I regretted my decision to trust God with my life. As I grew in Christ and spend time with Him, I began to clear all my doubts about Him. 

I am indeed leading the full and abundant life that God has intended for us to enjoy. Though the negative circumstances in life are still there, by God’s grace and strength, I can weather through the refining fire and come out stronger in my faith in God. God has never short-changed me when I gave my life to Him and trusted in His son Jesus Christ’s work and sacrifice for our sins. He can do the same for you too!

I do not know how your life has really been for you or how God is working in your life because He has created each of us unique and special. Neither do I know the doubts or issues that you are struggling with. What prevented me from knowing God was pride. Pride in my own ability to control my life and my surroundings. Pride in my intellect and rational mind that say I know everything that I need to know. My pride proclaims to the world that I do not need anybody let alone God. Who is this God anyway? I thought that only weak people needed a religion which, ironically speaking, turns out to be true, for only those who can finally admit that they are not in control can know and experience the One who is really in control: God.

I beseech you to consider the questions you have about God and ask someone to clarify these doubts. God says in Jeremiah 29:13 “You will see and find me when you seek me with all your heart” Thank you for reading this and may God bless you!

Song: Children of God

(Verse 1)

Some people disbelieve that Jesus resurrected then

They think that all these are just lies

But He did

Our Father’s good and gracious

He gave His only Son

For us all sinners once

The children of God

(Verse 2)

Sometimes we may turn away from God and what He means

We think He no longer loves us

But He does

Our Father never leaves us

He’s always by our side

He loves the world so much

The children of God

(Verse 3)

We praise and glorify His name we know His words are true

He provides for the needs we have

Yes He does

We place our lives before Him

As servants to our Lord

(Epilogue)

Jesus died on the cross

Or we would have been lost

Thankful that we’re

Children of God