Now that Jayna is in school, I have passers-by tell me that Jayna is such a poor thing to be made to go school at such a tender age. It doesn't help matters that her uniform is oversized and she looks younger than her peers due to her small build. I can only smile faintly at these people who knows not what they're saying.
They were not there when I struggled to care for Joash while being pregnant for 9 long and difficult months. They did not see how dangerous it was when I fainted while having my son in my embrace so many times. Neither did they see him run wild without supervision while I blacked out on the floor. They did not suffer the pre-natal depression which all but consumed me till I had to resist the temptation of jumping down 7 storeys with my own child in my arms. They were not the one paying the exorbitant price to employ a baby-sitter to come help me watch over my boy while I was bedridden. They did not have to deal with constant nausea and frequent fainting spells and the gaping lack of appetite and sleep throughout the whole pregnancy journey. They did not witness me collapsing at a coffee shop while buying food for my family and had to rely on the kindness of the stall-holders to bring me home safely to rest. They were also not the one who used up the entire year's worth of annual leave to stay home to deal with emergencies regarding an ailing wife and a neglected son and then still had to fight valiantly to clear the mountain of backlog at work. We can't afford a maid and do not have grandparents who are both willing and capable of taking over the care of the children for the time being, unlike most other parents in Singapore.
If I had a choice, I would love to have easy pregnancies and homeschool my children as I've always dreamed of doing. I did not ask for debilitating pregnancy symptoms that render me an invalid. This is the lot that has been given to me and I'll accept it from God and depend on my Lord's grace. Given my past 2 track records, it'll be highly naive and irresponsible of me to bank on the possibility that my next pregnancy will be any better. It's either I send them to school or give up on having any more kids. It was after much thought and prayer that we made this decision.
Even then, I wrestle with an enormous sense of self-inflicted guilt that my kids are in school while I stay home just to cook, do housework, buy groceries and run errands. I fear failing to conceive and then, where would that leave me?
Do I give up on trying for more children? Do I withdraw the kids from school? Do I go back to work? What if I get pregnant soon after I start work and I'll have to serve the advance notice while dealing with the symptoms? Nobody but God sees the amount of conflicting thoughts and emotions raging within me. I can only find comfort in my God who is my chief defender.
In the meantime, I'll have to silently endure the condemning stares and snide remarks from total strangers who most likely would not even give me the time of the day, let alone have the patience to listen to my long grandmother story.
They were not there when I struggled to care for Joash while being pregnant for 9 long and difficult months. They did not see how dangerous it was when I fainted while having my son in my embrace so many times. Neither did they see him run wild without supervision while I blacked out on the floor. They did not suffer the pre-natal depression which all but consumed me till I had to resist the temptation of jumping down 7 storeys with my own child in my arms. They were not the one paying the exorbitant price to employ a baby-sitter to come help me watch over my boy while I was bedridden. They did not have to deal with constant nausea and frequent fainting spells and the gaping lack of appetite and sleep throughout the whole pregnancy journey. They did not witness me collapsing at a coffee shop while buying food for my family and had to rely on the kindness of the stall-holders to bring me home safely to rest. They were also not the one who used up the entire year's worth of annual leave to stay home to deal with emergencies regarding an ailing wife and a neglected son and then still had to fight valiantly to clear the mountain of backlog at work. We can't afford a maid and do not have grandparents who are both willing and capable of taking over the care of the children for the time being, unlike most other parents in Singapore.
If I had a choice, I would love to have easy pregnancies and homeschool my children as I've always dreamed of doing. I did not ask for debilitating pregnancy symptoms that render me an invalid. This is the lot that has been given to me and I'll accept it from God and depend on my Lord's grace. Given my past 2 track records, it'll be highly naive and irresponsible of me to bank on the possibility that my next pregnancy will be any better. It's either I send them to school or give up on having any more kids. It was after much thought and prayer that we made this decision.
Even then, I wrestle with an enormous sense of self-inflicted guilt that my kids are in school while I stay home just to cook, do housework, buy groceries and run errands. I fear failing to conceive and then, where would that leave me?
Do I give up on trying for more children? Do I withdraw the kids from school? Do I go back to work? What if I get pregnant soon after I start work and I'll have to serve the advance notice while dealing with the symptoms? Nobody but God sees the amount of conflicting thoughts and emotions raging within me. I can only find comfort in my God who is my chief defender.
In the meantime, I'll have to silently endure the condemning stares and snide remarks from total strangers who most likely would not even give me the time of the day, let alone have the patience to listen to my long grandmother story.
Psalm 135:14
"For the LORD will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants. "
"For the LORD will vindicate his people and have compassion on his servants. "
2 comments:
I'm behind you.
Thanks sister! I just wish you and Vivian are here in Singapore with me...
Post a Comment